Futurepink - For Your Loves, Life & Career
This Issue!!
May 2008
The Month of Bank Holidays, Yippee!
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Hot Topics
"Don't have a role model"
says Janet Street Porter
Don't fall for the perfect
Mum image!! says
Liz Fraser
Leah Pritchard won
the magnificent
Bling Ring!
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Just click for a full list of past articles.
Just click for a full list of past articles.
Child's Play
May - AHem!
Liz Fraser turns her attention to some of the trickier sides of parenting that every parent experiences at some point – and how to deal with them...
Even the most seasoned mother who seems to manage her family life brilliantly, can have a major wobble every so often. Wobbles can manifest themselves in many ways, but the most common are a prolonged bad mood, inexplicable episodes of crying or a slightly panicky feeling of being trapped and unable to breathe freely. I get this about once a month, and not just because I’ve got PMT. I’m just having a minor Family Life Panic.
If you have ever asked yourself what you are doing here, in your house, with this life and these kids and that partner and that sofa, then remember the following: you are not alone! Creating a family and trying to make it work is the biggest challenge you can ever undertake, and once it’s there it’s there, and there’s no going back – ever. Yikes – now I’m scaring myself too!
Given the enormity and absolute permanence of a family, it’s hardly surprising that it can feel overwhelming and frightening sometimes. I occasionally feel that I must have been mistaken for someone else who knows what they’re doing, and I’m about to mess everything up. Sometimes I do. But more often I don’t, and I muddle through somehow.
But sometimes the whole crazy package of three children, a husband, a mortgage, car insurance, five bicycles, nursery fees, packed lunches, publishing deadlines, ballet lessons and toy cars in every room makes me want to scream: ‘HELP! I want to get off! I can’t breathe! I don’t know how to look after myself, let alone a child, a husband or a large house plant. Really, there has been a mistake – please let me go!!’
This is when an understanding friend, a gin and tonic and a very good cry can all help. Remember:
- You are not a failure. Talk to three good friends and ask if they have every felt anything similar. The one who says ‘no way’ is lying. Seriously, it’s as normal as ingrown hairs to want a break from family life every so often. Not to have any needs or desires outside the family home would make you pretty dull.
- Take a break. If you really feel that you need to have a break from your commitment as matriarch, then try to arrange to go away with a friend for a day, do something silly but fun, go and see a film by yourself or do anything else that makes you feel more you, and less everybody else’s.
- Don’t do anything rash. If you feel a wobble coming on, don’t make for the nearest train station and buy a one-way ticket to Paris. Paris is lovely and everything, but your family are here, and they need you. Be calm, have your wobble, and wait to get over it in a few days, or weeks at a push.
Another thing to look out for is what I call FAMILY ANXIETY.
Keeping your family healthy and uninjured is something you will fret and stress about, even at a very low level, for your entire life. I’ve found that the older they get the worse I worry: with every passing day we must be getting closer to a really big fall or illness, surely. There could be a near miss with a bus, being coughed all over by the library assistant who clearly has TB, leaving my kids in a room containing carrier-bags, glue, knives, scissors, electric sockets…oh God! Worrying about keeping my family healthy – or even alive – is enough to drive me to an early grave!
This kind of permanent, low-level concern is very tiring but entirely normal. If you don’t worry about your family’s health you should get yourself checked out for a severe case of Insensitivitis. But for some people it becomes very pronounced and can eventually lead to panic attacks, claustrophobia, agoraphobia and worse.
The good news is that increasing numbers of women now feel able to describe such feelings, and recognise that they are not going insane, or failing as mothers, but are just suffering from extreme stress and anxiety as a result of being responsible for their kids. Which is entirely normal, I’d say!
I know many mothers who have suffered from this type of worry, my good self included, and every one of us thought we might be cracking up. We weren’t, and neither - probably! - are you. If you ever feel it’s all getting too much, then talk to a friend, talk to your partner, or go and chat with your GP. She won’t take your kids away and stamp Bad Mother on your wrinkled forehead. She’ll give you a shoulder to cry on and some good advice for not worrying so much.
Here’s to a relaxing year ahead, even with the odd wobble...
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Liz Fraser
Liz Fraser is the author of two best-selling books, The Yummy Mummy's Survival Guide and The Yummy Mummy’s Family Handbook (formerly the Ultimate Family Survival Guide) both published by HarperCollins.
Liz has presented shows such as BBC1’s Holiday and Channel 4’s The Virtual Body. She is now a freelance writer and broadcaster and lives in Cambridge with her husband and three children.
Liz is a frequent contributor on BBC Breakfast, and has appeared numerous times on GMTV, The Wright Stuff, Five Live, Radio 2, Woman’s Hour and Radio 4’s Today Programme, among many others, and is now starting her third book on family life along with her first novel.
Liz Fraser
on how to survive the wobbles!
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